A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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