i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
