I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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