He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
