There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
