i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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