Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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