HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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