It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
