judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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