I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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