Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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