i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
