he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
