Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
