omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
