I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
