I can text with my tongue
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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