btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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