woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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