omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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