Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
