I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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