Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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