got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
