My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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