I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
