I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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