Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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