Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
