if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
