just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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