You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
