New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am one with the molecules
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
