Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
