he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
