she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
