I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
