There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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