Are we in a gay sports bar?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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