hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
