On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
