Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my sisters under your porch take her home
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
