Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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