My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
