his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
