Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
