and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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