3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
