I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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