based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
