Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
