She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
