and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
