I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
