capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
