Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
